Submit your actuarial humour by emailing IT @ ASOC (it@asoc.unsw.edu.au)

Actuaries are dead on time

_{Submitted on 25-07-08 by: Guest (Source = Professor Michael Sherris)}

An actuary is a person, who passes as an expert on the basis of a prolific ability to produce an infinite variety of incomprehensive figures calculated with micrometric precision from the vaguest of assumptions based on debatable evidence from inconclusive data derived by persons of questionable reliability for the sole purpose of confusing an already hopelessly befuddled group of persons who never read the statistics anyway!

_{Submitted on 28-09-07 by: Rahul (Source)}

"I got friends who live and die by the actuarial tables!"

_{Submitted on 24-09-07 by: Secretary 07 (Source = Groundhog Day)}

A casualty actuary priced an automobile “Fire and Theft” policy with an extremely low premium. When asked why it was so cheap, he said, “Who would steal a burnt car?”

_{Submitted on 06-09-07 by: Laura Hunt (Source)}

An actuary, an accountant, an old lady and a beautiful blonde find themselves together on a train. The train passes through a tunnel and in the darkness a loud slap is heard. When out of the tunnel and in the light, they see that the accountant has a red five finger mark on his cheek.
The blonde is thinking: the accountant must have tried to grope me in the dark and mistakenly groped the old lady, so she slapped him.
The old lady is thinking: that guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped him.
The accountant is thinking: the actuary must have groped the blonde in the dark and she mistakenly slapped me instead of him.
The actuary is thinking: I can't wait for the next tunnel so i can slap that damn accountant again!!!

_{Submitted on 04-09-07 by: Milton (Source)}

Question: How do you distinguish an introvert actuary from an extrovert actuary?
Answer: The introvert will look at their feet while they talk to you. The extrovert actuary will look at your feet.

_{Submitted on 04-09-07 by: Dave Wilheim}

_{Submitted on 02-09-07 by: Vivian Pham (Source)}

Question: What do actuaries use as contraceptive?
Answer: Their personality!

_{Submitted on 02-09-07 by: Divya}

Question: What is the integral of 1/(cabin) with respect to cabin?
Answer: A houseboat! (i.e. log cabin + C)

_{Submitted on 01-09-07 by: Tim Goodhew}

Question: What is the difference between an actuary and an actuary for the mafia?
Answer: Only the actuary for the mafia is asked to compute Ä_x

_{Submitted on 01-09-07 by: Ania Kopyciok (Source)}

Definition of CPA: Can't Pass Actuarial exams
Definition of CFA: Can't Face Actuarial

_{Submitted on 31-08-07 by: Albert Suryadi (Source)}